Filed in: Columns

Satire: Current Issues

April 1, 2004 12:00 | By

By Eric Green
I fell asleep on set after a long, back-breaking day building the set for Americana: The Motion Picture. It was my first day of work in a long time. When I woke up I needed to eat, so I wandered around the lot in a daze, trying to find some food. My stomach was growling; I was dying for a hamburger, something cheap but filling.
I spotted a vendor and inhaled the smell of french fries. When I reached the van, which was curiously labeled “Chip’s Chip Van,” I saw that all he sold was fries—not exactly what I wanted but I was hungry. After I ordered some, the guy selling the fries poured vinegar all over them. He had no iced tea, only Canada Dry Ginger Ale. He told me if I wasn’t satisfied to “go to Harvey’s or Tim Horton’s, eh.”
I didn’t know either one of them so I just stuck with my fries as I walked through the lot dodging the rest of the crew with feathered mullets playing roller hockey. Funny; they would normally be playing basketball. I was scratching my head. I knew something was off here but I needed to get back to work. On my way back to the set I was approached by a guy in a trench-coat selling fake wallets and watches. He asked me if I was a local. I told him that I didn’t know. He pulled a stack of IDs out of his pocket and told me he could sell me a Canadian ID for 50 bucks.
I told him I had no plans to go to Canada, much less interest in a Canadian ID. He then said, “You are in Canada, eh.” I was taken aback. “Really? How long have I been asleep?” He pulled more Canadian IDs out of his pocket, and then said, “I have plenty where that came from if you want to work in movies and have your share of the Canadian Dream.”